Movie Review: Seventh Son

STAR 3/4

The Pitch Review

JEFF: So you fellas like the book, yes? Into dragons & witches & the Hobbit, somewhat, are we?
WRITERS: Yes! We thought it'd transition well to the big screen. But more in line with the CW teenage shows, and with some big-time actors like you & Julianne.

JULIANNE: It's a bit...um, superficial, isn't it? I'm not sure if I can go as "evil" as the queen witch is supposed to be...

DIRECTOR: Oh, Julianne, don't worry. We can use sound-effects to make your voice bigger than you will have to act. And Jeff, I want you to play your character as a cross between Gandalf, and Nick Nolte.

JEFF: Huh. Okay.  And I'm a fan of Gandalf. But I gotta tell ya, it's kind of lame, fellas. Have you seen Jupiter Ascending, by any chance? There's lessons to be learned there...

WRITERS: Shut up, Jeff.