Movie Review: Knights of Badassdom

STAR STAR STAR STAR

The Pitch Review

DIRECTOR: This.  Is. Hysterical. I cannot stop laughing. How'd you come up with this, dude?
WRITER: Well, kind sir, I shall retell unto thee the tale of its conception. I fell asleep writing yon Doom Metal rock ballad, and was blessed with a crazy, fanciful dream from the netherworld of my broken heart... I arose donned in full attire, and shazaa, the tale bespoke itself onto the pallet of yon scrivening node.
PRODUCER: What the heck did he just say?

DIRECTOR: He said he writes doom metal music, got dumped by his girlfriend, does LARP, and came up with this funny horror story. I mean, the ex-girlfriend as the succubus? Classic.

PRODUCER: Well, it's a fantastic blend of comedy, horror, and heavy metal! [to writer] "Well done, good sir!." But the only way we can sell it is if our actors are good & can sell it. They've got to fit the part, and embrace the story.
DIRECTOR: I completely agree. If they don't buy the story, they're out. We'll cast it perfectly. And the sets aren't too important, because it's told kind of tongue-in-cheek.

WRITER: Yay, verily, good wizard.
PRODUCER: (under breath) Shut up, writer.

Movie Review: The Interview

STAR STAR STAR

The Pitch Review

SETH: No, I have NOT had too much to drink! And you're an as%#^{%, James.
JAMES: What?! It's not my fault! This weird tension between us is causing problems. It might read on the screen, but I'm a professional, and I love you, bro. Don't sit so far from me.

SETH: What? Fine. But I'm tired of no one taking me seriously. I want to make a film that takes on a serious issue. Like...basketball. And politics. But funny, and still be "me." HEY!
PRODUCER2: HEY! What if we do something quasi-political?
SETH: Interesting idea...but my audience isn't into politics that much.
PRODUCER2: What are they interested in?
SETH & JAMES: [at same time] Basketball!
SETH: Like, what the f#*% with Dennis Rodman going to N Korea? That's political. And sports. What could he have been thinking?

JAMES: Holy crap. Yes. Seth, let's do it. I'm your bro. We can't just abandon our magic duo! It's...(waving hands) magical...
SETH: I don't know, man. My hearts not in it.
JAMES: Come on, dude. We have to. I love you. You love me. They love us. It's your chance to...start to be taken seriously. I mean, If Dennis Rodman can do it, WE can do it...

SETH: I guess. But you & me have felt...tense...lately...Okay. But I'll keep our classics, like explosions, new made-up classic phrasisms, and
JAMES: Tits! Don't forget to throw in tits! With talent, of course...I totally respect women.

SETH: Try to be funny, James.
JAMES: Shut up, Seth.

Movie Review: Lie to Me (Fling)

STAR STAR STAR STAR

The Pitch Review

WRITER: Come on, how many?
DIRECTOR: I don't know. How many lives will be destroyed if a couple has an "open" relationship? I'll have to think about it. I love this story! So much potential for heat. I see tons of kissing, and sex, and kissing, and sex. Lots of it. And I want to film it in a voyeuristic, organic, shaky way. But high quality production.

PRODUCER: Hell, yeah! With all this sex going on, let's be sure to have really cool, beautiful actors. We want to see them hooking up.

WRITER: But the audience has to see the pain it causes. Anyone that's in a relationship with one person, and wishing they were with another person will understand.
PRODUCER: The characters have to be really, really cool. The cool, popular, beautiful, successful young adults crossing into adulthood, and taking "being cool" in a relationship too far. Open relationships never work out. The brain can't take it. People can't take it. Something always breaks.
DIRECTOR: Affairs of the heart are the most painful. Physical affairs are one thing, but sometimes, you just can't help who you fall in love with. It's the heart, man. Rules the universe. For some of us...
PRODUCER: The only thing worse is unrequited love.
DIRECTOR: (sigh). True. (sigh)

WRITER: The answer is 42!  From "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy."
DIRECTOR: Shut up, writer.

Movie Review: Frequencies

STAR STAR STAR STAR

The Pitch Review

WRITER ("ME")/PRODUCER ("MYELF")/DIRECTOR ("I") = same person

"ME": [In English accent, slamming door & yelling at it] Bugger off! Bang them all... I don't care... This is MY bloody story. I'm telling it MY BLOODY WAY. I wrote it, and if they think I'll let them turn it into Chinese whispers, they're bloody gagging. I'll produce it & direct it myself.  Yes. That's what I'll do. Who are they to tell me it needs more this or that. Hmmf.

"MYSELF": I know exactly how to tell this love story of "Quantum entitlement." I'll use color. And tone. They both represent frequencies, anyways. It's an odd concept, but someone will get it. Sure, it's an odd tale with "Hollywood potential," but I will not - I repeat - [yelling out the door] NOT FILM THIS IN LOS ANGELES and turn it pear shaped!

"I": I mean, luck is just a frequency, isn't it? Yes. Yes, it is. And I feel lucky. Their bloody changes will make it all sixes and sevens! If I want to make a strange love tale with fantasy, science, raw emotion, and...strangeness, that's exactly what I'll do!

"ME": (yelling out the door) And I WILL DO IT WELL, MARK MY WORDS!

LANDLADY: Shut up, you!

Book Review: "Revival" by Stephen King

STAR

No. No. No. No. I cannot believe Stephen King wrote this book. No way. I'd rather pretend he wrote this in his sleep. Or was possessed by a dead goldfish as it was swirling it's way down it's toilety funeral, and wrote it on the scraps of used toilet paper. That might've been better. (Geez, I sound bitter!)

I thought that - maybe - around page 200, the story would kick in.
I thought that  - maybe - he was attempting a new writing style. (I saw "Interstellar," and understand it was supposed to be a "new" way of telling a cinematic tale. Maybe King was giving a new style a go?)
I thought that - maybe - I'd care about the character at some point.
Nope.

Bummer. Worse than taking a drink of your beer only to discover it's a glass of milk.

Bad book. Naughty book. Someone needs to be punished. ;)

(But of COURSE I'll read the next one! Otra! Otra! And cool cover on this one.)

Movie Review: Space Station 76

STAR STAR STAR STAR

The Pitch Review

WRITER: Ever tried to masturbate in bed without waking up your partner? 

DIRECTOR: Who hasn't? Its awkward, especially if you get caught.  This'll be like that, but in space - address all sorts of life's awkward moments!

PRODUCER: And you know how everything seems much more interesting when the people involved are good-looking & talented. Let's do that. As if Wes Anderson took on Star Trek.  And 70's EVERYTHING. HILARIOUS! 

WRITER: Hey! Hahaha! Let's throw in a robot therapist! Who doesn't fall in love with a robot therapist? It'd make the perfect Christmas gift! Classic. (And characters that need it, am I right?)

DIRECTOR: YES! And a robotic hand! Ha!

PRODUCER: And a tiny bit of Nudity? Yes. We can throw in smidge of perfect space tits & ass. 70s naughtiness & civilian drama in space. Gender issues galore.  Women's career stuff, love, loneliness (especially loneliness). Lets reside in those awkward moments. Man, this'll be a cult classic.

ROBOT THERAPIST: Does a "tiny bit of nudity" mean I get to see Liv's boobs?

LIV: Shut up, robot therapist.

Drunk photo ?

So cool...best live concert I've ever seen. Yay good seats! Oh god. Don't puke...wait...I love karaoke! What a fun crowd!  Note to self: don't forget oil change !!!!!

Drunk post 1

The Dunk for the TransSiberian Orchestra tonight :).  PACKED . Love it!

Movie Review: The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

STAR STAR STAR STAR 1/2

The Pitch Review

PRODUCER: Peter, can I top off your drink?

PETER: Hm? Oh! No, no thanks. So, as I was saying...You all know his will be a magnificent ending/beginning. We cannot settle for anything less. No way are we going to disappoint. So let's give it all to them.  

PRODUCER: Yes! No budgetary constraints, so build build build! I want to see impressive everything - from CGI, to the action sequences. (Pete, want some more chips & guacamole?)

PETER: (What? No, thanks. I'm good.) But absolutely! The pacing is critical. I see the action building, but it's gotta be beautiful action. A Masterful crescendo of choreography on the battle scenes. Same for the individual fight scenes. Think "grand scale awesomeness."

ACTORS: Consider it done. We're all in!

PRODUCER: Oh my goodness, this will led itself to an amazing video game! 

WRITERS: But it's more than that! the story will carry through, and damn if they don't cry.  I will not have them leaving without getting full body chills. We'll attack the main themes: honor, friendship, love, loyalty...

ORLANDO: Speaking of which, what's the story with the she-elf & the dwarf? Is it love, or just a single-sided crush?

IAN McKLELLAN: You must follow it through, darling. Peter might insist on the masochistic emotional masturbation you refer to as a "crush," or he could run with "love." What do you think?

PRODUCER: Ian, you're fabulous. They've got to know not to drink a large beverage, though, 'cause they won't want to get up to pee & miss a thing! (Speaking of which, Pete, do you have to use the head? I'll go with you if you want....)

PETER: Shut up, dude.

Movie Review: Neighbors

STAR STAR STAR

SETH: I don't know man...This is a little out of my wheelhouse. A wife & kid? Really?
WRITER: You owe me. Remember that thing a few years ago? Well, I'm cashing in.
PRODUCER: It's not that far out of your wheelhouse, man. It's more of - say - an adaptation. You know, a spin on your hilarious movies.
SETH: Dude, it's not the same thing at all. It's like saying Monty Python's "The Holy Grail" is an adaptation of The Bible.  Not the same thing at all.  But you're right. I do owe you one. Oh, man. It's gonna be tough. So, what? I'm a married guy fighting these single college frat boys the whole time?
DIRECTOR: Well, yeah. It's the clash between a frat-house lifestyle and married parents with a baby. It's cute. But raunchy. And no, we did not have a contest to see how many dildos we could get away with putting in...(hahaha) but that's not a bad idea, now that you mention it. Hmmmm...

PRODUCER: We'll pick a hot actress for your wife, too. I promise.
SETH: Okay. But hot, like good-girl hot. Not tramp hot. And make sure she has a hot accent, too.

DIRECTOR: Absolutely.
SETH: Okay! Okay! I can see how that might be funny. Usually I'm a "bros before hoes" kinda guy and would rather work with my boy Franco, but I do owe you one...And a lot of these scenes are hilarious.
You've clearly not been sleeping much, because a lot of the scenes are laugh-out-loud funny, but...there's a lot of skin in this. My skin.

WRITER: It's a f$&#$^% comedy, dude. They don't care. They just want it to be mostly funny.
FRANCO: Then get rid of the wife & kid.
DIRECTOR: Shut up, James.

Stand-Up Review: Jim Gaffigan

STAR STAR 1/2

I'm a serious fan of stand-up. Not so much when it's not done well. This kind of fell in the middle. Maybe he was tired. Yes, that's what I'm going to say. He was tired. 

Generally, in stand-up comedy, my favorite is when the sadness or anger doesn't outshine the "funny."  It's a tough balance - I haven't wanted to see many comedians in person because I want so badly for them to succeed and conquer the line. Super picky about some things, I suppose. 

Tonight, the show was missing something. Maybe a "hot pocket" (if you don't know his work, Hot Pockets are a staple "bit" in his routine centered around his family and self-hate for weight issues and obsession with food - the audience loves it). But he didn't seem to settle into a comfortable groove. It wasn't bad, just not good. I've seen him be much, much funnier. 

On a positive note, the store outside the theater made me smile. :)

Same Old Lang Syne

This holiday song game... "Will I cry this time?"*

Ever since I was a kid, this song has made me tear up each time I hear it. 

I heard it on the Christmas station today, and...yep. Same effect. I wish I knew how music grabs my soul by the palatine uvula and squeegies the feelings right out of me. But it does, dammit. 

So if I don't change the station when this song comes on, does that:

a. make me an optimist for believing that I might not cry this time

b. Make me a glutton for punishment knowing I've cried every other time, or

c. Neither. It's just a silly game. 

I'll go with "c."  :)

* Some songs I don't even stand a chance with, so won't even attempt to play this game.

The Loudness War

You know how some songs sound louder than others when you play them? Well, apparently, it's on purpose.  And depending on how good your ear is, the loudness of the mixing & recording affects the quality & clarity of music. If you care, that is...some people don't.

I had to watch the video to appreciate the issue. (Ha! Had to hear it & see it to get it.)
But that's my recommendation: Watch the video, then read the article.

Here's the link to the article:
http://www.turnmeup.org/

Now you know about the Loudness War, too. :)

Impulse-Buy Review: Candy Cane Chapstick

On a Scale of 1-10

Fun factor: 8

Does it work: 8

What I expected: 9.5

Glad I got it: 9

I saw this at the pharmacy counter, and - not surprisingly - had to try it. 

I'm gonna think of this as fantastic mistletoe insurance. This stuff tastes delicious, and tastes just like it looks (the spicy peppermint kind - my favorite).   And when I made out with myself in the mirror, my reflection had no complaints.  (Self-satisfying lip treat. Go ahead, it's okay to judge.)

What can I say, who doesn't want soft lips that taste like candy cane? Well, there might be one or two, but who cares about them, anyways.

Conclusion: Go for it! Give it a try if you find yourself confronted with this fun, tasty treat.

 Lips all around will be happy.

'Tis the season.  

Now if only I could explain why I had to buy 3...  

Movie Review: Three Days to Kill

STAR STAR STAR 1/2

The Pitch Review: Three Days to Kill

PRODUCER: It's a dude flick they can take their woman to. Action, suspense...But ahhhh, the women... beautiful French and American women. Lovely to admire...

KEVIN: You know, I kinda like this. You've got all the action in there - it could use a little more, but that's just me - and lots of "story" to it. Maybe too much. And it's surprisingly funny. But I don't want to do a comedy, here.

WRITER: You don't think the comedy is too...cheesy?

KEVIN: No. Absolutely not. It gives the characters dimension. There's tons of stories to follow interwoven in the big story. But it all comes back to "family." Nice touch, guys.

WRITER: Hey! Do you want me to make them cry?

DIRECTOR: Absolutely not.  It's supposed to be a suspense action film! For guys.  And I want to see a lot of red lipstick.

KEVIN: I do like the idea of making it a little cheesy, though.  After all, most of it filmed in Paris. They're all about cheese...you know...But only for the sake of the women viewers...give them the cheese they want.

DIRECTOR: Shut up, Kevin.

Movie Review: Hercules

STAR STAR (reluctant) 1/2

The Pitch Review: Hercules

DIRECTOR: What if the real Hercules wasn't as fantastic as his tales? What if all the stories were just an exaggeration? That's the story I want to tell. Okay. Picture this: THE ROCK as Hercules.  

PRODUCER: YES!

DWAYNE: YES.

WRITER: This will be a grand tale of Hercules, but with an element of cheeky lightness to it. Ala Xena Warrior Princess. But a whole movie of it! 

DWAYNE: What's my motivation?

DIRECTOR: The usual - beautiful family slain, wrath of gods, betrayal, faith, etc. 

PRODUCER: I can see it! Gorgeous women. (Find me a Nicole Kidman look-a-like for the action role, will you?) Throw in light & brief tasteful rear-nudity, manly men, dramatic, slightly over-the-top sets. CGI. Action & fighting.

DWAYNE: It's not a heavy drama, is it? (raising eyebrow)

DIRECTOR: No no no. Action. And I want the music & mood to have a constant element of grandeur.  It can sound like the climax throughout the film!  Keep the energy up. And can you keep the costumes & wigs in check this time?

COSTUME DIRECTOR: I'll try. No promises. Who am I kidding. No, I can't.

DWAYNE: I've always wanted to do something with zombies. Can we throw in zombies?

DIRECTOR: Um...what? Really? 

PRODUCER: No. No zombies.

WRITER: No No! It'll be okay. One fight scene. It'll be like zombies, but not zombies.

DWAYNE: Make them sound like zombies, okay? I love saying that word. Zombies. Put something in, or I'm out.

WRITER: Whatever you say, Dwayne!

DWAYNE: I'll bulk up to kill zombies. I work out, you know.

DIRECTOR: Shut up, Dwayne.

Oh, those Aussies & their surf wax..."DO NOT EAT"

FOUND IT! (Looking everywhere for it.)

Note this is the "Warm Water" wax.  I'm excited to buy the "Cold-water" stuff! I think it just comes in a different color package... Fun delicious-smelling stuff.

I just have to remind myself not to eat it...dammit...

Disney Video on Ending the "Uncanny Valley" With Eye Study

What?! Disney does research?! Of course they do. Here's an incredibly boring video explaining how they address the dreaded "dead-eye" in animation. It's pretty simple, really - just "reconstruct[] the shape of the visible components of the eye[!]"  Duh. You can read the paper if you want, or sit through the 3+ minutes of video to get it.

I'm not sure if I could recreate the study myself (I say this after totally botching a simple measurement to fit curtains to my window... Why is that so hard for me?!?! #*$&#*&! It's a flipping rectangle, for goodness sake!!!)  So potential eyeball test subjects are off the hook...for now...(mwahahahaha..)


Here's a link to the paper:
http://www.disneyresearch.com/publication/high-quality-capture-of-eyes/

Movie Review: Big Hero 6

STAR STAR STAR STAR 1/2

The Pitch Review: Big Hero 6

DIRECTOR: Okay, people (clapping hands 3 times). It's gonna go like this (hands up, palms facing out). Tense. Funny. Happy. Funny. Curious. Sad. Story...etc...etc... You know the drill, people. This is a Disney film. We have standards to meet.

STORY BOARD ARTISTS: Got it. No problem. Do you want a lot of camera moves?

DIRECTOR: In fact, yes. Yes I do. It will have dynamic movement. And I want to walk the line of the Uncanny Valley, but not actually cross the line. No revulsion. It’s Disney, remember…

ART DIRECTOR: Ooooh! I want to see a rainbow of color! Colorful. I want a rainbow of color to smash them in the face. And say BOOM! (whispering) Rainbow…

ART DIRECTOR: Awesome! I’ve got some GREAT characters in mind. Hey, I might sneak in a nod to Stan Lee, but let’s keep that on the DL. Let’s see if they catch it. HA! They’re gonna love this. Girls will love it, boys will love it, trust me. They’ll love it.

DIRECTOR: They better. It’s Disney, remember?

ARTISTS: (whispering behind hand) Shut up, Director. J