Movie Review: Jack Reacher

STAR STAR

The Pitch Review

WRITER: Oh my god! I can't believe Tom said he'd do this!
DIRECTOR: I know! Holy crap. Okay. Breathe. Here he comes.  Stay cool. Hey, Tom!
TOM: Hi. So I understand we open with some shocking footage. I like it. Shock value can be great. I don't know if it can carry a movie, but let's play with it. I'd like to see a good car chase. And some fighting. Yes? Good. Good. That, my friends, I can do.
DIRECTOR: Yeah! You'll fight a bunch or guys and kick their asses, of course.  And I've got this great idea for a car chase. It'll be in alleys, but cat and mouse style. It's dark, and different. And shock value galore. Right?
PRODUCER: Absolutely. We'll shock them a few times - make them squirm in their seats a little. But back to the cars. We want to showcase some muscle cars. 

TOM: Muscle cars. I like it. What about a girl?
WRITER: What do you want in the girl?  I was thinking someone like...well...remember Kelly McGillis from Top Gun? You know. Hot. Blond. Smart  - she plays a lawyer. We can do her hair & dress her like that & everything.
DIRECTOR: (Yeah. Lawyers are hot.)
TOM: Great. And boobs. I wanna see boobs. And cleavage. Worth walking in the room for. If she's got that, then it doesn't matter how much range she has.

ROSAMUND: Shut up, Tom. 

Movie Review: St. Vincent

STAR STAR STAR STAR

The Pitch Review: St. Vincent

BILL: You know what I like about this script?

KID: Everything?

BILL: Yes, kid, everything. I like the story. I like the gambling. The drinking. The smoking. I like the hooker. I like the mom. I like the kid. (Okay, no one likes the lawyer, but who ever does?) I like it's filmed in New York. And you & me, kid, this is gonna be great. 

DIRECTOR: I'm so glad you're on board with the whole thing, Bill. And you'll have a fantastic, super-talented cast with you on this. I don't know how we got so lucky to get this kid, but he's good. You guys will be great together. 

BILL: We better. I'm not making a stupid movie with a crappy kid actor & lame characters. I picked this very carefully, and want to show what I can do. They'll be surprised. My fellow actors know what I mean. Don't you guys?

PRODUCER: They're gonna have to be great, because the story could be messed up pretty easy. You all have to channel that fantastically realistic chemistry, and carry drama and funny throughout the entire movie. 

BILL: They'll laugh & cry when they won't expect to. In fact, I'm gonna make them want ice cream. 

KID: I want ice cream. 

MOM : I want ice cream. 

PREGNANT RUSSIAN HOOKER: I want ice cream.

BILL: I want a happy ending. 

HOOKER: Shut up, Bill. 

Movie Review: The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1

STAR STAR STAR STAR

The Pitch Review: The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1

DIRECTOR: Everyone and their mother is gonna see this, so we better make it good. I wanna make it a classic "I'm glad I saw that on the big screen" experience.
WOODY: my character is sober in this film? That's okay. I can play post-rehabbian, if that's a word. What? It's not? Okay. It is now, heh heh heh. 

JENNIFER: how much will I have to carry this?
DIRECTOR: Sweetheart, you don't have anything to worry about. That face (lots of close-ups, darling)...your talent...Between you, the other actors (and their gorgeous looks), the seamless script, costuming...it'll be the whole package. 

PRODUCER: Fantastic! We won't spare expense on the sets or action sequences. I know it might appear to appeal to teenage girls, but we're gonna give everyone something to suck 'em in and keep them happy. I'm talking explosions. Drama. Mood- setting. To the end. Remember, most of them have read all the books...
JENNIFER: oh yeah! There's another one after this one!
WOODY: So this one better be good enough to ignore all the food-smacking, loud nose-breathing old fogies & keep 'em happy they saw it in a packed theater. 'Cause it'll be worth seeing like that. And hey, Jennifer, you're into singers. Let's show your boyfriend what you've got. With those pipes.
JENNIFER: Shut up, Woody.

Movie Review: Fury

STAR STAR 1/2

The Pitch Review: Fury

BRAD: Its seems like another war movie. 

WRITER/DIRECTOR: Well, it kind of is just another war movie. I'm not too worried about a knockout sound production. Or very realistic gritty feel. It will replicate some actual footage I have of the war. Stage-like in a lot of scenes.

PRODUCER: I don't mind the talk of God since it is a war movie & there's so much carnage, but let's keep the story light on the religious stuff. Keep it in the story, but focus the story elsewhere.

SHIA: It's not too heavy on the story either, is it? But that's cool. Me & Brad have this dude chemistry going (no homo). And it's time for me to - how do you say- expand my repertoire. 

PRODUCER: Are we going to spend a fortune on extras and costuming?

DIRECTOR: No, I envision a "nameless, generic German bad guy." 

BRAD: For all of them? 

DIRECTOR: Yeah. Mostly. The focus is on the characters, their dynamic, and the story. 

SHIA: But there's not much of that.
BRAD: Shut up, Shia.

Movie Review: Superbad

STAR STAR  + bonus STAR 1/2

The Pitch Review: Superbad

CHRISTOPHER (Fogell): It’s trying too hard.

JONAH (Seth): No, it’s not. Idiot. It’s f***ing funny.

CHRISTOPHER: Okay, some of it is funny. But we sound like hormonal teenage boys trying to make people laugh. I think there’s too much dick in it.

JONAH: There’s no such thing as too much dick, ass*****.

MICHAEL (Evan): omg. I don’t think you hear yourself, though. Maybe sometimes we sound a bit too angry, don’t we? Maybe we should tone down some of the hostility.

JONAH: No f’ing way. It’d lose its magic. So you can just go to hell. In fact, lets be sure to make it extra grossly juvenile. Try nastier than American-Pie-dick-in-a-pie-nasty.

MICHAEL. : Extra? Really? Is nasty the new funny?

ROGAN: You guys are way funny, and they’ll never expect it. I think it’s possible you could steal the show. I mean you, Fogell.

CHRISTOPHER: really?

MICHAEL. Yeah. It’s a possibility.  But if it doesn’t work, it won’t be because of you.

ROGAN: True dat. You guys got some nice dance moves, dudes. Oh sh**! Let’s use that to open! It’ll be awesome! I mean, we’re all really young, but us older guys are super funny.

JONAH: So in this movie you have to be relatively “old” to be really funny? It's funnier the further you get into it! 'Cause see, the further you get into it, the older you get, too. Strong ending, people. Strong ending.

ROGAN: Shut up, Jonah.

Movie Review: Pineapple Express

STAR STAR STAR STAR

The Pitch Review: Pineapple Express

SETH: Hahahahaha but about a pot dealer hahahahaha!

JAMES: Hahahahahaha stoner hahahahahahahaha hahahahah hahaha!

SETH: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

JAMES: Hahahaha BFFF hahahahahahahahahahaha!

CRAIG: Hahahahahhahahahahahahahahah gun fight hahahahahaha!

SETH: Hahahaha but instead...he'll...HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!

JAMES: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha crazy car chase hahahahahahahah!

DANNY: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA gets shot hahahahahahahaha!

JAMES: Hahahah put together good hahahahahahahahahahahah!

SETH: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

DANNY: lol

JAMES: Hahaha...shut up, Danny hahahahahaha. Ha. Hmm. Huh. hahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA...

Movie Review: Crowsnest

1/2 STAR

The Pitch Review: Crowsnest

GUY1: Dude. I love this f***ing camera. Check it out.
GUY2: Dude. We should make a movie with it!
GUY1: Dude. Totally! Let's make a horror flick. Film it like the Blair Witch Project! Hey, we'll ask those hot chicks if they wanna be in it.

GUY2: Should we have them try out for the parts? Read a script & all?
GUY1: No, man. It doesn't f***ing matter if they can't act. They'll just be stoked to be in a movie.  And we don't need a script. What, can you even write?
GUY2: Dude. No. Who cares.
GUY1: Good point. No one'll care. So f*** character development. We got the hot chicks, and that's enough.
GUY2: I got a new movie-making program on my computer, and I'll slap some scenes together, throw in some cliche scary stuff.
GUY1: Like a creepy little girl in her pajamas holding a stuffed animal. She won't even have to read anything.

GUY1: Dude, can you even read?
GUY2: Shut up, dude.

Movie Review: Nightcrawler

Star Star Star Star

The Pitch Review: Nightcrawler

DIRECTOR: Ok, people. We have a good thing here. Think "TENSE." Think "TEASE." I want people uncomfortable, but not sure why. I've been talking to Jake. He's all over this character.
RENE: its true. God he creeps out. But is so weirdly NICE. 

PRODUCER: We're running with it. Put together a good team for this one. I want fantastic sound. And be sure the camera angles are fresh & interesting. Not stuff you see every day. 
DIRECTOR: Consider it done. Yeah, it's not your typical story. But it's a bizarrely fantastic story, even without a BAM ending.
JAKE: I'm gonna play it so unassuming & logical that it's scary. Can we throw in some action? Nothing over the top, but I want to imply the fear - scared of what could happen. And action like an amazing car chase? 
DIRECTOR: ok, Jake. It'll be good. But we'll give enough to keep them on the edge of their seats. just wait. You'll see...

RENEE: Do I f*** him?
JAKE: yeah, can she?
RENE: Shut up, Jake.

Movie Review: John Wick

Star Star Star

The Pitch Review: John Wick

PRODUCER: What the f*** is this?
WRITER: It's a bad-ass action flick, dude!
PRODUCER: No. This is a piece of sh**! You're high.
WRITER: No, man! Picture it. Keanu plays the lead, and with his mad kung fu skills, he kicks ASS.
DIRECTOR: We'll need a lot of action. Good action. And lots of blood. I mean gun shots to the head. Bam Bam Bam. Over and over and over.

KEANU: there's no story here. It's shallow. No one will care. It's stupid.
WRITER: But picture crazy awesome fight scenes with Keanu! He'll totally rock it! And fine. I'll add some sh** to make the character sympathetic. 

KEANU: Yeah I can totally rock it. As long as I don't get paid by the line. Because I almost have no lines.
WRITER: That's the point, man. It's all about..."action"...

PRODUCER: And we'll cast Willem Defoe for some gravity. And some hot chicks.
DIRECTOR: I'll use interesting lighting, odd fonts for oddly placed subtitles, to mix it up a bit. Like a really cool-kid pulp action flick. 
KEANU: But the story sucks.
WRITER: Shut up, Keanu.

Movie Review: Interstellar

Star Star

The Pitch Review: Interstellar*
Note: This review reflects the 35mm experience. Expect a review of the IMAX 70mm version...coming soon...

MATTHEW: Pass it down, will 'ya? Just because the movie lacks momentum doesn't mean you should.
NOLAN: What are you talking about? It's all necessary. Well, maybe not ALL of it - you won't even want to imagine the director's cut...(inhaling)

WRITER: Pass it here....these are complex theories, man. It takes time to explain things. 
ANNE: Like who's the bad guy, you mean? Do we even HAVE a bad guy? 
NOLAN: Oh sh**. I mean, yeah. Sure. Lets put one or two in there. Kind of. Maybe. hey. and a square for comic relief. Literally.
MATTHEW: I really like this character. He's...smart (exhaling).

NOLAN: Listen, the point is that we're human. These smarties f*** up just like the rest of us and make sh***y decisions. Just like the rest of us. Wait. Did I already say that?
SOUND GUY: Dude (inhaling). I wanna make it really loud. That way, it makes space sound quieter. Like, shhhhh. Who cares if you can't hear the dialogue, anyways...
MATTHEW: Love, man. It's about love.

ANNE: And space.
NOLAN: And time.
MATTHEW: And space.
NOLAN: And time. Did I say that already?
MATTHEW: Shut up, Nolan.

Movie Review: World War Z

Star Star Star 1/2

The Pitch Review: World War Z

BRAD: So I'm supposed to kill all the zombies and save the world?
DIRECTOR: Yes and no. These aren't just your run-of-the-mill zombies. These are crazy fast scary zombies! I'm going to have them sound just like deranged, sick Wookiees. And the special effects team is awesome. Wait till you see what they can do with floods of zombies. Hmm. We'll need tons of extras...

BRAD: This is from a book?
PRODUCER: Yes. But this is going to be way more intense. You're perfect for this role. You're likable. You can be serious. But the role won't stretch you too far, don't worry. You don't have to be the Indiana Jones of zombies, just...be "you" dealing with speed-zombies.

BRAD: And I'm still a badass? 
PRODUCER: Totally! Well, mostly. So how are we going to get this done? 
DIRECTOR: I'm thinking we play on people's primal fears. Take away all hope. Because people are scared of being absolutely powerless.
BRAD: So? Why would they care?

DIRECTOR: Because I'm going to make them care. From the very beginning. With family.
BRAD: Yeah, a beautiful family. Has to be all girls, to make my guy seem to want to protect them extra!
PRODUCER: Excellent. Bring in the family, and take away hope.
DIRECTOR: And then its going to be about pacing. I'll get their hearts racing at the very beginning until they will wonder if we will sustain it the whole time. Then I'll bring them down for a minute and then I'll take it up again. By the third cycle, they'll be programmed enough to know to be scared. I will end it before they're too exhausted.
BRAD: Make sure my family will be as beautiful as me, or close, or no one will care.
PRODUCER: Shut up Brad.

Movie Review: Birdman

Star Star Star Star Star

The Pitch Review: Birdman


ZACH: They're gonna hate you. This is traumatically good, Alex. Can I call you Alex?

ALEJANDRO/DIRECTOR: No.

MICHAEL:. Woh. This is some heavy shit. It's so intimate.

EDWARD: But not all sex. Intimacy without sex. But with sex! And guns. And hallucinations, I think? Damn. It's complicated.

EMMA: This reeks of "Oscar."

MICHAEL: Clearly, it's a tragic comedy.



ALEJANDRO: I want them to feel the ache & pain of life, and laugh, and to confuse them enough with the bizarreness of the story that they beg it to end. But like real life, the pain won't stop. You actors will hit them over & over with the real face of love.

NAOMI: Dripping with Oscar performance.



ALEJANDRO: Yes. The acting is crucial. That's why I picked you guys. The chemistry is insane. You'll nail this. HARD.

EDWARD: The score is so different. He's got a drummer, it's amazing raw drums running through the script. Its awesome. And he goes & pulls the sound performances into the story itself! Effortlessly. You'll love it.



ALEJANDRO: I'll film it close & tight. Real close. Weird, seamless camera work.

ZACH: But it's weirdly traumatic. The audience & critics will know you hate them, Alex.

ALEJANDRO: Shut up, Zach.