Movie Review: Zombeavers

STAR STAR STAR STAR

The Pitch Review

DIRECTOR: That's what I said. It's way better than you'd expect! Besides, there's no such thing as "too much beaver." That's my motto.

PRODUCER: Boobs, bitches, and beavers. What's a word that starts with the letter "B," and means really funny?

WRITER: Who cares. Just make those shorts extra short, and the boobs extra boob-y. And what makes a male audience more receptive than a chubby over beaver? 

FEMALE ACTORS: [in annoying valley girl bitchy unison] Wood. 

WRITER: Shut up, beavettes. 

Movie Review: The Walking Deceased

STAR 1/2

The Pitch Review

WRITER: I love Broken Lizard! And I wanna f*** with Walking Dead fans.

DIRECTOR: We should make a movie. 

OMG I have the munchies. Man, I want some froyo. yum. What were we just talking about?
PRODUCER: It'll be hilarious. Seriously funny at first. Then who the hell cares. Zombies...huh huh huh...
WRITER: Yeah. Zombies rock. I have an idea to start, but finishing it is something different.

PRODUCER: Huh huh. Zombies. Lizards. We were talking about lizards.
DIRECTOR: Zombie lizards. What were we just talking about?
WRITER:...uh...
PRODUCER:...uh...
DIRECTOR:...Man I want some froyo...

WRITER: Shut up, dude.

Movie Review: Seventh Son

STAR 3/4

The Pitch Review

JEFF: So you fellas like the book, yes? Into dragons & witches & the Hobbit, somewhat, are we?
WRITERS: Yes! We thought it'd transition well to the big screen. But more in line with the CW teenage shows, and with some big-time actors like you & Julianne.

JULIANNE: It's a bit...um, superficial, isn't it? I'm not sure if I can go as "evil" as the queen witch is supposed to be...

DIRECTOR: Oh, Julianne, don't worry. We can use sound-effects to make your voice bigger than you will have to act. And Jeff, I want you to play your character as a cross between Gandalf, and Nick Nolte.

JEFF: Huh. Okay.  And I'm a fan of Gandalf. But I gotta tell ya, it's kind of lame, fellas. Have you seen Jupiter Ascending, by any chance? There's lessons to be learned there...

WRITERS: Shut up, Jeff.

Movie Review: San Andreas

STAR*

The Pitch Review

CREW: We need jobs! Make a movie! ANY movie! Give us some work, for the love of god...

PRODUCER: All right. But it's not gonna be qulity-anything. We'll CGI the heck out of it. That'll be cool. And even if it's terrible, at least it'll get you paid.

DIRECTOR: I want to make a movie that is the Chinese water torture of overacting, cliche music, more overacting, and painfully bad lines. 

CREW: Awww...sh**...this is exactly the kind of movie that the Honest Trailers guy is going to have a field day with. But hey! Professional film crews like us can't just pay themselves without making a movie! Am I right?! yeah! And f*** Californians, anyway! The rest of the world doesn't care if they fall off the planet! It'll be fun! 

THE ROCK: I hope they cast that hot actress as my wife. No, my ex-wife. You know, the one that always has that expression on her face like a blow-up doll.

CARLA: Shut up, Dwayne.

* this one is laughably bad

Movie Review: Let the Right One In

STAR STAR STAR STAR 1/2

The Pitch Review

DIRECTOR: Vee vill maik zee moohvee. Ahnd eet vill bee beeyooteefool...

ahnd dark, veeth zee feeleeng oof...how joo say.."Studio Ghilbi." Zee beeyooteefool moments

zaht are alwayees zehr, boot un-noteeced.

Foohl oof eenosense and bloohd and death and luvh.

Becuhz troo luvh doozent judge - eez timeless. Like zee vampire...
PRODUCER: Got it. Beautiful vampire movie about innocent love with the intensity of a Studio Ghilbi movie, like "Spirited Away." Simple enough. One question, though: can it work if we cast American actors?
DIRECTOR: NO. Shut uph, Producer.

Movie thoughts: IRIS

It's definitely a think piece. Albert Maysles ...what can I say? He's lovely. I love how he makes the most depth in her story come in these tiny, unobtrusive clips that capture what she seemingly tries to keep private. So worth seeing. 

On a more interesting note, however, I got to chatting with the Cable Car crew over a couple of beers (me drinking the beers, not them). And we got to talking movies (I was in heaven!). I asked if they were gonna screen the Human Centipede III, and that opened a whole can of worms. Oh my goodness! I told them the had to screen it, regardless of the nasty emails, death threats, and scandal they'd experienced when they screened parts 1 & 2. And GET THIS: they met the guy from part 2!!! Look at this!

She's as excited about it as me!

Anyways, it seems I'm on this one-woman crusade to get that lowest-rated-ever-movie-on-metacritic (it's a 1, for goodness sakes!!! How can you not need to see the worst most horrible subject movie ever?!?!?!?!). Why am I perseverating on it?! And why am I yelling so early in the day before finishing my 2nd cup of double-espresso-added coffee?! (Ohhhh...that explains it...)

City Hall stairs in Providence

Black and white

I just thought that was kind of cool. That's all!

GLAS Animation Festival: Call for Entries

click here for ANIMATION FESTIVAL LINK

Annnnnd...if you wanna see some animation shorts, there's these:

LINK TO ANIMATION SHORTS (neat stuff!)

Movie Review: Halo - Nightfall*

STAR 3/4

The Pitch Review

WRITER: You love video games and war stuff, too. Let's make a movie about soldiers! Hooah?

DIRECTOR: Hooah!
PRODUCER: Sure! For soldiers, by soldiers. Hooah?
WRITER: Hooah!
DIRECTOR: Keep it simple, people. But high-speed simple. Ooorah?

EVERYONE: [pummeling director - in the joking-yet-painfully-hazing-soldierly-camaraderie-way] Shut up, Director!


* blech. My review is almost as boring and uninspired as the movie was to me (quite boring). Don't bother. You're better off picking your nose.

Movie Review of sorts: "Dark Star: H.R. Giger's World"

STAR STAR STAR (+,- 1/2)

The documentary about the visual mastermind behind Alien. A self-conscious, uncomfortable piece. 

But...he (Giger) hid. Like a kid hiding under his bed from the monster he thinks lives under his bed.

Felt longer than it was. Neat dark art in it, though. In German, btw. 

A purple tree?! What?! Yes. Amazing...

I've seen pink & white trees this spring, but last night I saw a PURPLE tree!

Movie Review: Seance - Killer in the Dark

1/8 STAR

The Pitch Review

PRODUCER: How did you know they were porn stars?

DIRECTOR: Well, other than having familiarity with that genre... But I get your point. All Hollywood and LA women seem to favor porn-star-chic when it comes to the hair, makeup, and costuming.

WRITER: I used to write for pornos, you know.
PRODUCER: We know. So, Corey. This is all for you, ya know.
COREY: That's cool.
DIRECTOR: I'm sure we can wing the lighting, sound, and anything else about the film. Let's make a movie, huh?! I'll be okay refunding people's lives back their wasted time watching this if it doesn't make all of us mega stars! Heck, with Cory, there's no way this can lose!

PRODUCER: Fantastic! Then you won't mind if I spent half the budget already. On acting lessons for Cory & the cast.

CORY: Shut up, Producer.

Movie Review: Mad Max - Fury Road

STAR STAR STAR STAR STAR

The Pitch Review

director: WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT MAKING YOU SICK CARD ?
writer: NO. HE SAID IT MAKES HIS DICK HARD.
producer: HA! F$%& - YEAH! ROCK ON!!!

writer: THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT HE SAID. HEY. DUDE. THIS IS TOTALLY FRONT-LOADED AND DRIPPING WITH TESTOSTERONE. WHAT DID YOU TAKE TOO MUCH VIAGRA OR SOMETHING? PASS IT AROUND, MAN!

director: EFF YEAH! WE'RE GONNA MAKE THIS HAPPEN, AND HAPPEN HARD. THIS IS GONNA BE SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENT. BUT FAST. AND LOUD. LIKE MOTHER EFFING STAR WARS GONE NAUGHTY, DARK, AND ON CRACK.

Charlize: PASS THE RED BULL, WILL YA? WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT YOUR MOM F$#&ING A HORSE ON ITS BACK? 

director: SHUT UP, CHARLIZE.

Movie Review: Identity Thief

STAR STAR STAR 7/8

The Pitch Review

MELISSA: [Under her breath to the Director] How does he do that, anyway?
DIRECTOR: [Under breath and to Melissa] I don't know...he's fantastic at it!
JASON: What was that?

MELISSA: Nothing, darlin'.  We're just trying to figure out how the heck you keep a straight face when impossibly hilarious stuff is happening to around you and to you. You're talented, sweetheart, and you know I want to do you.

JASON: Okay, then. Well, I really like this script, and am looking forward to the opportunity to work with you, Melissa. so. Who else are we gonna cast?
PRODUCER: Who cares? It's the two of you together?! I've read the script, and the jokes are solid, the crew is solid, the rest of the cast is hilarious, and -
MELISSA: Wait wait wait, I'm not doing it if there isn't some action in it. I'm talking car chases. And you know, action! But especially I won't do it unless I get a crazy sex scene in it. Because this..[motioning her hands over her body]...THIS...is how all the magic happens. Jason. I'm talking to you, darlin'. Come on. Have a lick.

JASON: .....
MELISSA: Nothing?! Really?! [under breath to Director] I think he's over-medicated. Or an alien. Yeah.  Oooh. A naughty, kinky, sexy alien.
JASON: Shut up, Melissa.