Movie Review: Ex_Machina

STAR STAR STAR STAR STAR 

The Pitch Review

PRODUCER: Shut up! This is GENIUS. It's amazing. Beautifully written. And I love it. Holy crap. Fascinating story, dude. It's so intimate, and complicated, and clever, and...

WRITER/DIRECTOR: I love it, too, obviously! If we get the right set, and locations, and a fabulous cinematographer, devine actors with fabulous chemistry, an amazing editor -

PRODUCERS: Whatever you say. No expense will be too much. Did we mention it's genius?! 

WRITER: Shh.  Don't say anything else or you'll spoil it for everyone. Just let them watch it! They'll be crazy to miss this movie - if they like movies, that is...

PRODUCERS: But I have to talk about the part where -

WRITER: SHUT UP, Producers!

Movie Quasi-Review: Disney Monkey Kingdom

P

Eh. Cute. 

I expected a Double Double - Animal style...

...but felt like I got this:

Still a cheeseburger...

Beautiful cinematography, some funny lines delivered by Tina Fey, but...eh. 

Movie Review: Atrocity

1/2 a STAR

The Pitch Review 

WRITER: ...and then CK says the thing about the other dude and yells "suck a f$@&ing bag of dicks!" Hyuk ahyuk. Hey, man, are you paying attention?

DIRECTOR: (*snorting*) Wha-...what? Oh, dude, sorry...I'm just so beat. No no, I was listening. "The thing with the dude," and "all people are monsters," or something. Wait, are there monsters in this? No? Lame. (Yawning...)

PRODUCER: Bickering, some tits, blood, it'll be fine. HEY. Dude. Wake up. 

DIRECTOR: (Snorting) Sh- fzz- wh-, oh god...you're still here. YOU suck a bag-o-dicks. This story sucks. Are we really gonna make this movie? 

WRITER: Yes. Shut up, dude. 

Good morning from the train station!

Lovely, no?

Got a backwards facing seat - not on purpose. So awkward! Decided to pretend I'm traveling back in time, as if I were moving left on the time continuum. 

NOTE

If a movie is too scary, I will not be able to review it. That's all.

Movie Review: Unfriended

STAR STAR 1/2

The Pitch Review

WRITER: Awww, come on. It's a new concept. And addresses the today's teens' worst nightmares. Like a teen modern day "Blair Witch Project." If that sacred people, anyways.  Don't tell me that doesn't scare the sh$@ out of you...

DIRECTOR: Hm? What? Sorry. Multitasking. Um, yeah. We'll do it all from the perspective of the user. It's our target audience, anyways. 

PRODUCER: True dat. For the screen-savvy, and screen addicted, it'll work. Scare those teens enough to make 'em drop their phones their palms are so sweaty. But laughable. 

DIRECTOR: Hm? Come again? Oh, yeah. Teen drama. All over it. Sweaty palms. 

PRODUCER: So should we...I don't know, electronically traumatize them? You know, into internet-permanence and cyber-bullying awareness? (Yelling at teens) Hey! Guys! Shut off the dam camera phones! This is a private meeting!

TEENS: (laughing hysterically and running off yelling) Shut up, Producer! 

Odd hobby confession

Confession. So here it is: Know how when you're at a new building -or heck, a familiar room - and need to know what time it is, so you look around for a clock on the wall*, only to find that it's, like, 3.14 hours off?

I think to myself "If I worked here, that'd suck!" So I carried a few batteries in my purse, and "rescued" 2 clocks in the last 2 weeks. In public places. Here's a tip: get in when no one's super paying attention. Because it's awkward when they're like, "Hey. What are you doing?" It's hard to sell "um, nothing. I always carry a spare AA battery in my purse."

(Based on my research, most clocks use a AA, for any of you copy-cat clock fixers.)

*just pretend someone just emitted one of those EMP pulses and shut down your phone & your watch sucks, and is never on time, anyways. You should really get a nicer watch (kidding. I don't wear a watch. It'd just get caught trying to climb up the wall to reach the clock. )

Ha!

Non-Review: Halloween II (1981)

Oh, geez. Sooooo many questions...

(I heard that opening & closing song walking through the Mall today. And I happily hummed along to it.  Now...it'll never be the same again. It's no longer "cute." Now it's...creepy!)

I can't believe I just said that out loud to someone...

"Ooooh! It looks just like a horror movie. I wanna go up & see!"

(Idiot...) (hahaha!)

Watching the wheels

So this is a mellow song for the morning. Which one did you listen to?

http://youtu.be/qp9dc9im3-M

Movie Review: CZ12 (Chinese Zodiac)

1/2 a STAR

The Pitch Review

JACKIE: I want to do a movie like Indiana Jones.

DIRECTOR: Um, okay...
JACKIE: But with technology like in Mission Impossible.

DIRECTOR: Um, all right...
JACKIE: And where I get to do super cool stunts. We'll open the coolest stunt they've never seen before, it'll catch their interest. You know, hope they get to see more like that.

PRODUCER: And over-done sets that'll remind them of Goonies!

DIRECTOR: If we do all that, there won't be any budget left over for a story, Jackie.
PRODUCER: Jackie doesn't care about stories, just stunts.
DIRECTOR: That's rude, Producer.
PRODUCER: Oooh! Yes! Rude! Let's film it in France! That'll justify double subtitles!
JACKIE: Shut up, Producer.

Life Hack: Photography

ARTICLE

Discusses Aperture, Shutter Speed, and ISO

(I almost got it...focus...focus...)

;)

Saw a lovely movie today about John Lennon

Imagine: John Lennon (1988)

After watching this, I hear his music more through his eyes. 

It's less mine, more his.

~ but I still identify with his love songs in a (breathtaking) way I'm probably not meant to ~


like this one...

AWESOME! Look! They ALL signed my shirt!!!

Balloons !

Wish you were here too!

Movie Review: Danny Collins

STAR 1/2

The Pitch Review

ANNETTE: Al, you really can't sing...

AL: Shut up, Annette.

Ha! I'll keep this in mind when I watch Halloween II...

But tonight, it's another movie. The kind at the theater. Woohoo!

Movie Review: Wolfcop

STAR STAR STAR

The Pitch Review

WRITER: Come on! It'll be fun! You know you've always wanted to make a cheeky, intentionally cheesy, badass, irreverent monster flick. Dude, he's a werewolf lush of a cop!

PRODUCER: Dog, you've been watching waaaaay too many Broken Lizard flicks. But okay. I'll get you the cash. But my buddy's band is doing all the music. And I wanna see some gross sh&# that'll make them laugh.

DIRECTOR: Fine. Fine. Hey, the band, is it those guys we partied with the other night? Man, I can hardly remember that night...
PRODUCER: Yeah, it's those guys. And that hot chick that got all down on my junk. I promised I'd make her tits famous.
 
DIRECTOR: So how does he deal with hangovers? A little "hair of the dog?!" (badum pshh)
WRITER: Shut up, dog.

Awwww, shucks. Thanks mom!

It's like getting a hug in the mail from my Mama. :)

And makes me laugh, too. Oooh! Which reminds me. Silly movie on my playlist tonight. I'll share later. For our joint amusement. Not as in 4:20*.  As in "together."  

*What a weird time for that, huh? I've never seen any evidence to substantiate the claim that it was a police code. My favorite time would be 6:11.  

(Say it slowly) (hahahahahaha!) (yes, tell me if you get it) (not get "it," but "understand it." I wanna "get it," but I'm slowly and painfully realizing that I might have imagined something that's actually just in my head! Like, um, something imaginary. Duh.  How embarrassingly awful...I really am ridiculously silly...) 

so fun, though! :)

Working on my manners...

I'm working on it, but this is the knee-jerk reaction silently taking place in my head when this conversation goes down:

OTHER PERSON: Hello. How are you?
ME: I'm good, thanks! How are you?
OTHER PERSON: I'm well.
ME: (silently to myself)

I'd like to thank the following participants in tonight's commentaries:

Mark (of the Makers family), Mr. Makers (remember Mark?), and some beer types whose names I've forgotten. 

Such naughty manners...

Happy Easter!

Um, yeah. So Happy Easter! Learned this today:

REMAKE!  King's "It" being made into a movie?!

Oh god...I couldn't even finish the book. It scared the bejeezus out of me. Set loose the monsters in my head and they've lurked in the darkest corners of my imagination ever since...DAMMIT! Now it's gonna be a movie. I'm gonna have to see it...dammit...
( I don't think it was an April Fools joke, but...hm. I can hope.)

Movie Review: Whorders

STAR STAR STAR STAR STAR STAR*

The Pitch Review: Whorders**

DIRECTOR: No no no. We can't move the prostitutes. Their pimp said no way in hell would he relocate. It's gotta stay in So Cal. 

WRITER: it's better that way! Maybe we can get the Red Hot Chili Peppers to cameo in it - they green-lighted their music for the soundtrack, so they might be into it. 

DIRECTOR: Hell yeah! It's about time someone made a Mockumentary about a troop of prostitutes and their sub-culture where hierarchy is established through signed concert tickets. 

PRODUCER: Seriously! I love the one that's always getting all the words wrong to the Chili Peppers songs...she's hilarious! We'll have to put the right words on the screen so it reads where she's messing up...

DIRECTOR: everyone gets the words wrong. It'll be enlightening! 

WRITER: So who should we cast as the alpha whore?

DIRECTOR: How about your mom?

WRITER: Shut up, Director.

* my homage to Mockumentaries: a "Mockritique"

**this isn't a movie, but totally should be.

See it.

It's five stars.

The Cable Car Cinema rocks: playing "What We Do In The Shadows"

Heard this was funny. Mockumentary about Vampires? Why the heck not?!

Movie Review: Furious7

STAR STAR 1/2

The Pitch Review

DIRECTOR: Did we forget anything? Go over the list again.
THE ROCK: Again?! Come on, man. It's in there!
PRODUCER: We got it all. Man, that was a great idea to include everyone's ideas for possible scenes in the movie!
WRITERS: You don't think it's too much? Or waaaaaay to long, do you?
DIRECTOR: No way, man! We have to put it all in! For Paul!
EVERYONE: (all together, toasting a Corona) For Paul!

DIRECTOR: Are you sure we didn't forget anything? I don't want to miss anything. List, dammit!
WRITER: Okay. We got the desert car race, the "SHH"...
THE ROCK: [What's SHH?]
VIN DIESEL: ["Skin, Heels, & Hair." Come on, dude. Everyone knows that. SHH.]

WRITER: ...love story, family story, friend story, jokester, insanely crazy stunts, sped-up fighting, girl-on-girl fighting, multiple bad-guy story lines, death, revenge story, car chases, mountain chases,

helicopters, explosions, flashbacks, more SHH, billionaire extravagance, global film locations, one-liners...(out of breath)...
DIRECTOR: check, check, check, check,check,check,check,check, check,check,check,check,check, check,check,check,check,check, check,check,check,check,check...
THE ROCK: Man, it's fun, and funny and all, but damn. It goes on and on and on and on, doesn't it? It's like Prego, "It's in there." 

DIRECTOR: Shut up, Dwayne.