Movie Review: Burke & Hare

STAR STAR

The Pitch Review

(Scotish accents, and slightly slurring, please)

SIMON: No, no, you got the last 3 rounds! This one's on me...
WRITER: Okay, but just this next one other time. Have you ever seen those paintings of old doctors? They were real people, you know. Oh god, they were probably really, really weird.

DIRECTOR: Dark-weird...are you thinking what I'm thinking? Like, "come up with the concept of a funeral home while you're having sex because sex helps you think" weird. But it's the woman, that comes up with it! (Put that in the story, writer, it's just what the story needs...)
SIMON/DIRECTOR/WRITER: No! MUTTON CHOPS!!! HAHA!

SIMON: No, seriously, this could be funny. As long as it's gruesomely. And ridiculous. I want to be Burke. Who's the other actor - to play Hare, of course?
PRODUCERS: Andy Serkis.
SIMON: Who?
DIRECTOR: Gollum. In Lord of the Rings.

SIMON: Oh yeah! That'll be...swell! I love period pieces. Especially about real Scottish murderers!
DIRECTOR: Let's make 'em laugh at their discomfort.
SIMON: And bustiers. I love me breasts smashed up to a person's chin. (Dammit, Andy! You spilled on my shoes!)

ANDY: Wait, you mean you'll be in the bustier's? With mutton chops? Excellent.
WRITER: I supposed that means we throw in a love story. To get chin-boobs. Well, that's the only real reason for doing anything. Love, you know. Or smash-boobs. Whichever.
SIMON: (behind his hand, whispering way too loudly) But does he have to be the writer? I know you're his brother-in-law & all, but maybe someone else could write a slightly better story?
WRITER: Shut up, Gollum.
SIMON: I'm not Gollum! He's Gollum!
ANDY: My precioussss....
SIMON: Eww! Shut up, Andy.