Movie Review: Falcon Rising

STAR 1/2

The Pitch Review

MICHAEL JAI WHITE: You're sure this isn't a spoof?
WRITER: Of course not. Did you read the script? It's a fighting action film.  Hey, Director, who is this guy?
DIRECTOR: This guy? This guy is Denzel mixed with Arnold mixed with Van Damme mixed with Segal. Puro badass. Absolutamente should sell the PTSD.

PRODUCER: Fine. What's the film style?

DIRECTOR: I want to go with really high-end skin flick. Soft-core porn, but high end filming, por favor! With no sex at all. No smooching. That's for chicks.
PRODUCER: I like it. No better kind of flick. And hey! Brazil! Here we come!
WRITER: It's perfect for a soft core action film! We might have a little trouble getting the best actors...or the fight choreographer, for that matter - passport problems...

DIRECTOR: Not my focus here. The focus is gonna be on the few fight scenes we manage to squeeze in - heavy action in the back end - not sexually speaking at all. Whaddayasay, primo?
WRITER & DIRECTOR: Si! Perfecto!
DIRECTOR: Si, si! And kung-fu over-the-top sound.

PRODUCER: Let's see how many scenes we can shoot that open with an "extra" walking across the shot. I've always wanted to do that.
DIRECTOR: Si, mopri. But remember the passport issue?
PRODUCER: Fine. Fewer fight scenes. No sex scenes.
MICHAEL: It needs more action. I could do it, you know. Because with this story, it'll clear out the theater faster than hookers scurrying from cops like cockroaches in light.
PRODUCER: Shut up, Michael.