Movie Review: Hercules

STAR STAR (reluctant) 1/2

The Pitch Review: Hercules

DIRECTOR: What if the real Hercules wasn't as fantastic as his tales? What if all the stories were just an exaggeration? That's the story I want to tell. Okay. Picture this: THE ROCK as Hercules.  

PRODUCER: YES!

DWAYNE: YES.

WRITER: This will be a grand tale of Hercules, but with an element of cheeky lightness to it. Ala Xena Warrior Princess. But a whole movie of it! 

DWAYNE: What's my motivation?

DIRECTOR: The usual - beautiful family slain, wrath of gods, betrayal, faith, etc. 

PRODUCER: I can see it! Gorgeous women. (Find me a Nicole Kidman look-a-like for the action role, will you?) Throw in light & brief tasteful rear-nudity, manly men, dramatic, slightly over-the-top sets. CGI. Action & fighting.

DWAYNE: It's not a heavy drama, is it? (raising eyebrow)

DIRECTOR: No no no. Action. And I want the music & mood to have a constant element of grandeur.  It can sound like the climax throughout the film!  Keep the energy up. And can you keep the costumes & wigs in check this time?

COSTUME DIRECTOR: I'll try. No promises. Who am I kidding. No, I can't.

DWAYNE: I've always wanted to do something with zombies. Can we throw in zombies?

DIRECTOR: Um...what? Really? 

PRODUCER: No. No zombies.

WRITER: No No! It'll be okay. One fight scene. It'll be like zombies, but not zombies.

DWAYNE: Make them sound like zombies, okay? I love saying that word. Zombies. Put something in, or I'm out.

WRITER: Whatever you say, Dwayne!

DWAYNE: I'll bulk up to kill zombies. I work out, you know.

DIRECTOR: Shut up, Dwayne.